


Secrets

by maddmaddworld



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Infertility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 21:12:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1361956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddmaddworld/pseuds/maddmaddworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss has a lot of secrets. </p>
<p>Written for Prompts in Panem, Hyacinth, Round 5 day 4.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

_When I come to, my stomach and legs aching and my back sore from lying on the hard table, I see my mother sitting in the corner. She cradles her head in her hands, and soft tears roll down her cheeks._ Oh crap, _I think._ I’m dying. It’s worse than I thought.

_After a minute or so, I work up the courage to speak. My voice is dry and scratchy from lack of use. “Mom, just tell me,” I demand. Her head pops up quickly, eyes wide, and she rubs furiously at her tears. “You’ve got that look in your eyes.”_

_She sniffs and shakes her head slightly, giving me her best_ Concerned Mother _face. “What look?”_

_“The look you give when you’re going to tell someone that they’re dying.”_

_At this my mother actually laughs. She stands and moves toward me, carefully lifting the bandages on my stomach and thigh so she can check on my wounds. “You’re not dying, Katniss. You’ll recover just fine.”_

_I try to move, wincing as I shift the wrong way and feel a stabbing pain in my abdomen. “What’s wrong, then?”_

_“Katniss, do you—have you ever given any thought to having children one day?”_

 

* * *

 

6 Years Later

 

It’s eerily quiet as I take my stance, nock my arrow and prepare to let it fly. I take a deep breath and try to focus on my target—a wild turkey, about 50 yards out—when his words pop into my head for the hundredth time.

 

_You don’t have to lie anymore, Katniss._

 

_You don’t have to lie anymore, Katniss._

 

I sigh heavily and release the arrow. It misses the turkey by at least six inches.

 

I hear Gale’s deep laughter before I see him approach. “You missed!”

 

I rub my hands over my face and stand, mentally kicking myself for missing an easy kill. “I know.”

 

Gale cocks an eyebrow at me and gives me a smirk. “But you never miss.”

 

“Damn you, Gale. I don’t want to hear it right now.” I pull my hunting jacket tighter around me, shivering in the cold early morning air.

 

His eyebrows shoot up. “Ooohh someone’s testy. Problems with Baker Boy?”

 

“Shut up.”

  
Gale takes this as a yes, and I can practically see his hackles rising like a dog preparing for a fight. “Katniss, if Peeta hurt you—“

 

“Peeta didn’t hurt me! He never hurts me! He’s wonderful and sweet and caring and all I ever do is crush him!”

 

“What are you talking about? Katniss—what’s going on?” He takes a seat on the nearest boulder and motions for me to sit next to him. I don’t.

 

“Nothing!”

 

“Come on, Catnip. Spill it.”

 

I pace in circles in front of him while I work up the nerve to speak. “He—he told me he’s in love with me.”

  
Gale laughs heartily. “Well that’s no secret, Katniss, he’s been in love with you for years.”

 

“He’s never said it before!”

 

“And you freaked out.”

 

“And I freaked out.”

 

* * *

 

_We’re lying in the meadow, my head in his lap. He plays idly with my hair. It’s impossibly warm for March. This has been a perfect day._

_I’m broken from my reverie when he speaks for the first time in what seems like hours. “Katniss?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“I,” he takes a shaky breath, “I am so in love with you.”_

_“Peeta—“_

_“You don’t have to say it back, I just. I just wanted you to know.”_

_I sit up and move to face him, grabbing his hands. “I—you’re really sweet, Peeta—“_

_Peeta recoils. “Ouch.”_

_“No, I mean—“_

_“No, I get it. You don’t feel that way.”_

_“I do! It’s just—“_

_Peeta pulls away from me and stands, gathering our things. “You don’t have to lie anymore, Katniss. It’s okay. I always figured I was the only one who really wanted this.” He moves like he’s leaving, and I can’t let him do that, so I grab him around the waist and push up on my toes, kissing him hard._

_“But I do want this!” I yell when I finally pull away._

_He gives me a sad smile and reaches out to push a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “Do you? Because lately I feel like all I’m doing is pressuring you into this. You don’t want to tell anyone about us, you don’t talk about a future, you won’t even let me call you my girlfriend. It’s been almost two years. So maybe it’s just time to admit that you don’t really want me.”_

_He’s so wrong, but I can’t find the words to tell him that. “Peeta…”_

_“Just—figure it out, Katniss. I know we’re from different sides of town. I know this isn’t some perfect match that my mother would be proud of, but I only want you, and I’m willing to make those sacrifices. If you’re not,” his voice cracks as he continues, “It’s time for this to end,” he lets out a large breath and growls, “Maybe you should marry Gale like everyone expects.”_

_“I don’t want to marry Gale! I don’t want to marry anyone!”_

_“I know,” he sighs sadly, kissing my cheek lightly before walking away._

* * *

 

 

“So, what are you going to do?”

 

“I don’t know, Gale.”

  
“What do you want, Katniss?” The intensity of his glare almost knocks me to the ground.

 

I could lie, but what’s the point? Gale will call my bluff anyway. “I want Peeta.”

 

“Then tell him the truth.”

 

I continue my pacing. “What’s the truth, Gale? That I’m afraid we’ll be mocked and stared at for having a town/seam marriage? That he deserves better than living in a shack and working in the mines? That we’ll never have kids because I _can’t_ , and I haven’t told him yet?”

 

Gale can’t cover up his shock quickly enough. I see his eyes flash before he coughs lightly and schools his voice. “You never told him about the accident?”

 

“No. He wants kids one day, Gale. How am I supposed to explain to him that I can’t have them? That even if I wanted them—with him—I’ll never be able to carry a child to term?”

  
Gale stands and puts himself between me and my endless pacing. He places his arms on my shoulders. “You have to tell him, Katniss! He loves you! And if he runs away because of that, then he’s not the _wonderful man_ that everyone makes him out to be.” He rolls his eyes at me. “If that’s what you’re afraid of, you need to just get it over with. You’ll never know if you don’t tell him. And you’ll lose him forever if you say nothing.”

 

I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I stomp my foot on the ground in a pathetic attempt to get rid of my emotions. When I sigh, I can feel it stutter in my throat. “I’m scared, Gale.”

 

“You gotta do it, Catnip. Tell him the truth. Do you love him?”

 

“…Yes.” _Yes, yes, yes_ , I think. _But he’ll never stay. Not once he knows._

 

“There’s your answer.”

* * *

 

I knock quietly on the back door of the Mellark home. I saw his family in the storefront when I walked by, so it’s safe to assume that Peeta’s working in the back, or not working at all today. When he opens the door, I see the briefest look of relief cross his features before he gives me a small smile.

 

“Hi,” I offer lamely.

 

“Hey,” he replies, running his fingers through his disheveled hair. He clearly hasn’t been working today—he’s still in sweats and a white v neck t-shirt. He looks perfect; I have to stop myself from getting distracted.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

“Yah, come on in. Everyone’s down in the bakery.” He guides me into the back and up a flight of stairs to the family’s living quarters. I’ve only been up here a handful of times, for fear of Maria Mellark walking in and catching her youngest son in a compromising position with a _Seam Brat._ The last time we were caught, Peeta took a rolling pin to the cheek. The bruise lasted for weeks.

 

Peeta guides me to the bedroom he shares with his older brother, Rye, and takes a seat on his bed after closing and locking the door. “So…talk.”

 

I take a deep breath and try to steel my nerve. “I love you, Peeta.”

 

He gives a small smile, and lowers his head. When he looks back up, there are tears in his eyes. “But?”

 

How does he do that? How does he just _know_? “But I’m scared that I’m not what you need.”

 

He stands quickly, causing the bed to quake, knocking over a lamp on the nightstand. He doesn’t seem to notice. “That’s bullshit!” I can see the tears clouding his eyes. His breathing speeds up, and he’s agitatedly tapping his hand against his leg, like he’s trying to keep himself under control.

 

“No, it isn’t,” I reply, crossing my arms over my chest.

 

“Why not? How could you possibly NOT be what I need? I want you! Every single damn day for the rest of my life—I. Want. You.” He’s becoming frantic, tears spilling over his cheeks, pushing his fingers through his hair.

 

I feel fat tears rolling down my face, betraying my attempt to stay calm. I reach toward him before thinking better of it and forcing my arms back to my sides. “I want you, too. And I’m not ashamed of you. You made it sound like I am—I’m not. And you don’t pressure me into anything. But—“

 

“But nothing! You don’t want to get married? Fine, we’ll never get married. But _BE WITH ME_ , Katniss! If you want me, just be with me and don’t hide it anymore!” He surges forward and grabs me by the shoulders, holding me steady. He glares at me, hurt and confusion in his eyes, and I feel my resolve shatter.

 

“I can’t have children!” I blurt it out unceremoniously. I lower my head so I don’t have to look at his reaction. I try to back away from him, but he holds me still, sliding his hands down to grasp my fingers with his.

 

He’s silent for a long time. I squirm, but don’t look up. He leans forward and kisses the crown of my head softly. I’m paralyzed. After what feels like hours, he whispers, “I know, Katniss.”

 

My head shoots up so fast I’m afraid I give myself whiplash. “You—you know?”

 

“Your mom told me about the accident with the cougar. When she found out we were together—“

 

“My mom knows we’re together?”

 

He rolls his eyes. “Yes,” he huffs, “She pulled me aside when she found out we were together, and told me about the accident. She told me that when she stitched you up, she knew you’d never be able to carry a child, or even get pregnant, because of the damage. She said she knew you’d wait too long to say something, and told me that if I really loved you I would have to deal with the fact that you could never have my child.”

 

“You knew, all this time? Why would you stay with me?” My brain can’t catch up with this information. I’m shaking to pieces, the only thing holding me together are his hands grasping mine.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You love kids, Peeta! Why would you stay with someone who can’t provide you with the family you’ve always wanted?”

 

“ _You’re_ the family I’ve always wanted, Katniss!” He unravels his hands from mine and pulls on my hips until I’m flush against him. My hands involuntarily move to his shoulders as I stare up at him in awe. “I’ve been in love with you since I was five years old! I just want to be with you. I just want to wake up with you every morning and come home to you every night. I want to be able to kiss you anytime I want and bake you cheese buns and spend all day in the meadow.” He takes a large breath before continuing, “I want children—Yah, okay. But I want you more. And if being with you for the rest of my life means that I’ll only ever be Uncle Peeta, that’s okay! Because I love you! And I only want children if they’re _ours_.”

 

My heart bursts at his words, and I stare at him stupidly for a moment. Finally, I lean up, softly kissing the side of his mouth, his cheeks, and finally his lips. I can feel him smile into my mouth.

 

When I pull away, I’m crying so hard that I can’t see him through my tears. He pulls me close and rocks me back and forth while I weep into his chest, whispering that he loves me and wants me and is so lucky that I’m his. At his words, I let out an embarrassing moan and wrap my arms around his neck, alternating between crying into his shoulder and gently kissing his neck and collarbone.

 

After a few moments, I’m finally able to pull myself together. I step back from his embrace and place my hands on his chest. He stares down at me with eyes full of love. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner,” I whisper, staring intently at the light chest hair that pokes out from the top of his v-neck.

 

“I’m sorry you thought that I’d leave you if I knew,” he replies. He pulls me toward the bed, where he lies down and I curl up next to him with my head on his chest.

 

“I—I know that I’m not the easiest person to be with, Peeta. I just thought, what if this is the last straw? What if this is the thing that finally makes him realize that I’m not worth it?” These things are hard for me to admit, but he deserves to hear them. He deserves a hundred explanations for the way I’ve acted recently.

 

He snorts. “You’re an idiot.”

 

“Hey!”

 

He grabs my chin and leans forward to kiss me fiercely. I get lost in his kiss, letting my tongue slide along his lip, begging for access. He allows it readily, gliding his tongue against mine. I shift as we kiss, moving to straddle his hips, never breaking contact. He groans loudly into my mouth and grabs my ass playfully, laughing when I squeak in surprise.

 

When he finally pulls away, he stares up at me with just a touch of apprehension in his eyes. “Can you say it again, Katniss?”

  
“Say what?” I run my hand idly over his heart and lean down to kiss him again.

 

“That you love me?”  


I smile and lean forward to whisper in his ear, “I love you, Peeta. So, so much.”

 

He grabs my hips and flips me over so he’s on top, peppering my face and chest with kisses.  He can’t stop smiling.

 

"Maybe now we can work on you calling me your boyfriend."


End file.
